Amy Coney Barrett

The GOP led US Senate today confirmed a hideous and rabidly conservative judge to the US Supreme Court: Amy Coney Barrett.

This confirmation gives conservatives a 6 to 3 majority on SCOTUS which is enough power, if not corrected, to decimate our civil rights, our marriages, our freedoms, truly… our very lives. To say that I am afraid is the understatement of the century. I’ve been in panic attack mode since I got the news half an hour ago and it doesn’t seem to be letting up; I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop crying and I literally feel like I’m going to vomit. The fear is palpable.

Make no mistake: this is bad.

Barrett has attacked LGBT rights, minority civil rights, women’s rights, and the Affordable Care Act just to name a few. And now there’s enough conservative power on SCOTUS to destroy, turn back and eliminate a hundred years worth of progress that we’ve made towards those struggles. As a married, gay man with pre-existing health conditions, my life is literally in danger from this vote.

But I have to breathe.

I have to find peace.

I have to find my island in the storm.

So here I am writing about what I’m feeling is the hopes that it will give me an outlet for the anger, the fear, the loathing, the hatred that I feel right now towards every vote that went into seating that awful woman on The Supreme Court. To say that I’ve never trusted conservatives and that I’ve never met one that I liked is being very nice. This vote cements those prejudices into a way of thinking that I’ll never be able to break free of. It’s taken me to very dark places that I have to swim back from before I drown. But I will say this: I will never again give an iota of respect to another conservative or even brake if I see one crossing the street.

The nightmares will come again tonight, of that I have no doubt. The same ones I’ve had for the last three and a half years since the orange syphilitic monster took office. The same nightmares that I wake up screaming from and that haunt me in my waking hours. Tonight when I close my eyes, and I dream of being dragged from my home in the middle of the night at gunpoint, a dream that ends, literally, in the nothingness of death, I will remember every conservative that voted to seat Barrett on the supreme court. And when I wake, I’ll cry and I will be afraid. And I will grieve. Then I’ll take a deep breath, wipe my tears and I will remember who the fuck I am. And then I will fight.

This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.

The Monster

I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re tryin’ to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy
Well that’s nothin’

– Eminem