Oh my, what a day. It’s been a bit of roller coaster today: I’ve been up and down and all the way around and back again. And the really sad part about it is that not that much has happened today; it’s all been in my head.
I know it seems like such an amazing thing to feel so much in a such a short time (hell, I know bipolar individuals who chase the cycles), but for me, really, it’s just distracting and sometimes painful. Today was the latter. The mania was bad enough that it felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and when the cycle went south, I felt like a rock was tied around my neck and I was tossed into freezing water, able to breathe but surrounded by the black coldness of an impenetrable shroud of sadness. And then it would start all over.
I’m glad the day is over and I’m just a couple hours from bed but it’s settled in my head and now I’m just angry (usually the emotion after the depression, the emotion right before I sleep and try to reset my brain for the next day): I’m angry at the world, at Donald Trump, at my company’s HR department, at social security, at my retirement account, at everything. I’m just angry and there’s nothing I can put my finger on that would fix it. It’s just there, sitting in my head like a giant, black-eyed, eight-legged, hairy monster just waiting to go off.
It’s usually times like these that I just shelter in place to save the people around me from getting dragged through my mud. Unfortunately, for my husband, sheltering in place is also his place so I have to be particularly careful where he’s concerned so that I don’t inadvertently snap at him out of anger that he can’t possibly control or understand. In other words, it’s not his fault I feel like this and I absolutely cannot direct the way I feel at him. So I’ll be asleep when he gets home (thank you, Prince Klonopin).
So here I am, counting the minutes until I can fall into sleep’s perfumed embrace and sitting at my computer trying to hammer this out so I have a reminder of what I went through today. It’s a reminder that I use on the good days to remind me that there are bad days and on bad days to remind me that it could be a whole lot worse. I guess I’m doing it, too, although re-reading it, it sounds like the ramblings of a mad man and I guess in a way it is. OK, OK, all right, I’m not mad and all things considered I’m pretty well-adjusted… I just have bad days. I guess we all do.
If I say anything of substance tonight, though, it’s this: if you’re going through this or any other mental illness and you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone, you’re not weird, you’re not broken, you’re not even bent. You’re human. Take heart in knowing that someone out there cares and understands because I do.
Take care, Sprites, and be good to one another.
Until next time,